It’s not easy being an old China hand. There’s a lot of competition to be a ‘China expert’ these days, and a lot of it isn’t just eccentric Sinophiles and orientalists. Which brings us to Access Asia’s weekly newsletter, which is published by the market research company founded by consummate China expert Paul French. The newsletter’s theme is n00b-bashing and its latest edition was no exception. Here’s an acerbic, and bitingly funny, excerpt:

China for Dummies…
Some Suggestions

Last week we got moaned at a bit by the rather serious authors of Doing Business in China for Dummies, who felt we were a little flippant and derogatory about their book. Of course we were, due to the dumb title, but apparently it’s quite good, according to the authors – surprise, surprise. Which got us thinking about other possible titles in the Dummies series that could be of use to all you people analysing and trading in China. You might even care to write one yourself, if there is anyone left in China who’s been here for more than 5 minutes and hasn’t written a book yet.

o Fake Eco-cities in China for Dummies – by Arup

o Lead Toys for Dummies – by the Mattel China Sourcing Team

o Limiting Workers Rights for Dummies – By AmCham Shanghai

o Creating Traffic Jams and Toxic Air for Dummies – by GM and SAIC

o Getting China Spectacularly Wrong for Dummies – by Will Hutton

o Chinese Pension Funds and Their Various Uses for Dummies – by Chen Liangyu (retired)

o Doing ‘Business’ on Tongren Lu and/or Sanlitun for Dummies – by some very experienced but somewhat overweight German businessmen

o Irrational Exuberance in China for Dummies – by selected consultancies run by MBAs in China

o Urban Sprawl for Dummies – by the Shanghai Property Developers Association

o Moist Cardboard and its Culinary Applications for Dummies – by the Beijing Jiaozi Producers Association

o Formaldehyde for Dummies – by the China Beer Brewers Federation

o China’s Stock Markets for Dummies – by Mrs Wang, Our Office Cleaner

o Negotiating with the French for Dummies – by the Chairman of Wahaha