Balloon violence
We at CER hope that Huawei is a believer in the maxim, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity,” because boy do they have a lot of it. The Huawei saga continued this week as John Lord, company spokesman and now the hardest working man in show business, responded to Huawei’s exclusion from Australia’s National Broadband Network by calling for independent cyber spying checks on all “round-eye” technology used in major Australian networks. “Huawei has done a very poor job of communicating [our evil agenda] and we must take full responsibility for that,” said the elaborately coiffed Lord, as he stroked a small white lapdog. “Huawei has a duty to set the record straight, to dispel the myths and the misinformation. We invented the piano key necktie. We invented it!” Well, Lord can give the Australian government the evil eye all he wants, but it seems that boat has sailed. Rumor has it that Julia Girard caught Huawei snooping in her email. That’s one way to get on her bad side!
Also on the wrong side of satire this week were Beijing’s old friends, the North Koreans. Foreign Ministry Spokesman Hong Lei (now the second-hardest working man in show business) urged both sides to exercise restraint as the threat of balloon violence loomed on the Korean peninsula. North Korea warned that it may fire on South Korean activists who are planning to skip into the demilitarized zone to launch 200,000 balloons carrying leaflets criticizing the North Korean regime. North Korea regards the leaflet drops as psychological warfare and an attempt to topple its regime. Also, answering balloons with missiles really bolsters its evil street cred.
Rule by force
This party just ain’t what it used to be – the Communist Party of course. The CCP announced this week that it would discuss ways to strengthen one-party rule by amending the constitution, because the words “one party” are obviously not enough to convey its supremacy. “I would advise the Party to adjust its current half-nelson grip on power to more of a chokehold,” one member of the Politburo purportedly said, before warning of the dangers of using a sleeper hold. After agreeing to a shortlist of candidates for the next Standing Committee, the Politburo then decided that to build strength it would be best to have all candidates run through the streets in muscle shirts, chase chickens and pull the current leadership around on dog sleds. Next, each candidate must prove his vigor by fighting Jiang Zemin in front of the Party Congress, confirming that the 86-year-old former president is really really not dead, even if he is at least 50% cyborg. Pro-reform Guangdong party secretary Wang Yang, deemed too much of a softy for top leadership, was left off the list. When asked whether all these physical tests were going a bit far, one leader quipped, “At least we’re more civil than the Americans, fighting with all those horses and bayonets.”
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